Ocean Grove’s Suzie Browne recently released a memoir detailing her unhealthy relationship with alcohol. She speaks with Jena Carr about her journey through alcoholism to sobriety.
At first, alcohol was the saving grace for a young Suzie Browne who was struggling to fit in with everyone around her.
It all started close to 57 years ago when the then 14-year-old had her first taste of a drink that numbed her anxiety and allowed her to connect with others.
“I always felt different and that I was not connected to my friends from an early age, as I felt like I didn’t belong and always had that feeling of anxiety from a young age,” she said.
“Alcohol took all of that (anxiety) away, and it gave me a sense of confidence, as no longer did I feel like I didn’t belong because when I drank, I felt like I did belong.
“Those feelings of low self-esteem and unworthiness dissipated once I had alcohol in me, and it got me from a very early age, and that went on for four decades.”
But what had once saved her slowly started to destroy her, as Suzie spiralled out of control as alcohol took over her life.
“I drank for 45 years, and at the end of my drinking, I was mentally ill, and I was physically sick,” she said.
“I felt like it had destroyed all my brain cells, and I had all sorts of things going wrong with my body, including a fatty liver.
“I had no coping mechanisms, I couldn’t make decisions, and if I did make decisions, they were bad ones, and that’s just the mental part of it.
“Towards the end of my drinking, I drank against my will, but I didn’t know how to stop because alcohol is cunning, powerful, baffling, and it just destroyed everything.
“It becomes the most important thing in your life, as everything else becomes unimportant, and you put it before everything.
“You become powerless, where all you think about is drinking, and it affects everyone around you, and it is called a family disease as it’s just very destructive to everyone in your life, especially yourself.”
Suzie stopped drinking when she was 63-years-old and was proud to announce that she is currently eight and a half years sober at 71.
“I’ve done so much since I stopped drinking…and I’ve got two grandsons that I spend a hell of a lot of time with, and they’ll never see me drink,” she said.
“They’re part of the reason why I stopped, because I knew if I didn’t stop, I’d probably be driving around with them in the car while drinking.
“Life’s just so simple now and so good; I would never dream of going back to the booze and all the stuff you can do when you stop drinking is amazing, as you get your life back.
“I’m proud of myself, and I still don’t give myself much credit for anything I do. I still have that low self-worth, and I don’t think that ever goes away, no matter how sober you are.
“But when I think about it, I feel very proud of myself, and I should be prouder of myself and give myself more credit.”
Ever since she stopped drinking, Suzie has reignited her connection to spirituality and continues along her journey of rebuilding her life away from the “homicidal maniac” that is alcohol.
“I’ve always been spiritual, but since giving up (alcohol), I’ve been on a spiritual searching path of delving into everything spiritual,” she said.
“I take on everything that I can in a spiritual manner to try to learn and delve into everything I can find, and I’m still looking, searching and wondering why we’re here and what it all means.
“I used to think the bottle would give me those answers, but the bottle didn’t give me those answers, it just annihilated me.”
Suzie delves into her journey through alcoholism, sobriety, and spirituality in her new memoir, The Hole in the Soul: From Chaos to Clarity.
“The book is just a raw, unfiltered and honest account of my life from when I was about five, and it’s my truth,” she said.
“There’s some hilarity, and there’s some tragedy, but it’s all to do with the insidious disease of alcoholism and losing total power over it.
“It’s a bit frightening publishing a book because you don’t know what people are going to think or whether they’re going to agree or disagree.
“Reliving some of those sad times was hard writing about, and there were times when I had to turn the computer off and go to the beach to try and get my head out of that place.
“It’s probably not a lot of people’s truth as no two people ever see the situation in the same way, but the readers are getting me, not a version of me. They’re getting the authentic me in this book, warts and all.”
Suzie’s advice for people who may be struggling with an addiction was, “When in doubt, ask yourself what would love do?”.
“You just have to focus on what you need to stay sober, and the rest has to go. Whether it’s good or bad, it just has to go,” she said.
“I’ve realised that to stay sober and to stay happy, I’ve got to stop having expectations of other people, because that can be soul-destroying.
“It’s called survival, and we have to sit in this pain. When it’s painful, we need to sit in it and feel it to heal it, instead of drinking, as this too shall pass.
“Just don’t abandon yourself to the alcohol, which is what happens as we actually abandon the person that we are, so just stay true to yourself, listen to your soul, and choose love.”
Visit linktr.ee/theholeinthesoul?utm_source=linktree_profile_share to grab a copy of Suzie’s memoir.
